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 My day to watch the kids

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Jayde
Warlord
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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 42
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: My day to watch the kids   Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:46 pm


..............

I awoke to the sound of a small demon yelling “ear!” and tiny finger being forcefully inserted into my head. I can honestly say that a tiny finger rattling around your brain is a far more effective alarm clock than an actual alarm clock. No matter how hard you hit snooze, there is simply no way you will be able to roll over and go back to sleep (put down the phones and stop calling CPS...that was a joke)

.. ..

What was not a joke is that it was my day to watch the kids and I had not started off real well. I vaguely remember my lady waking me up. I know I was suppose to get up but strangely I can hit that “snooze” button and go back to sleep; which is exactly what I did after she told me, “I have to go and you have to watch the kids now.” I really didn’t mean to fall asleep. I really don’t remember being awake. In any case I am not sure how long I was out…but anytime you are not directly watching your children is time for them to plot their entire day of mischief against you.

.. ..

Spinning my head away from the probing finger that had already been jammed into my ear canal, I opened my eyes and glared at my youngest son. Who repaid that little momentary slip of stupidity with brightly yelling, “Eye” as he quickly inserted another finger into my eye socket. (I really gotta learn to stop doing that!) Once the pain subsided I said what every father says to a son who has just screamed “eye” and poked them in it. “Good boy…yes, that was my eye.”

.. ..

When my vision returned I (from a safe distance) saw my son and noticed that he was the wrong color. When I say he was the wrong color, I don’t mean he was suddenly blue from choking or black from being burned, but rather he was pink. As a 40 year old man, it takes you a moment in the morning to completely wake up and I thought briefly that perhaps I was just seeing things. I took a closer look and sure enough he was pink. From almost head to toe he had covered himself in pink highlighter. I don’t know if his brother had helped color him, but in either case he had done a remarkable job in covering almost the entire length of his body and head in a pink hue.

.. ..

Already feeling like a bad father who had fallen asleep while he was suppose to be watching his children I took my kids down stairs and gave them a good breakfast. With the exception of one of my children being pink, it was not an unusual breakfast.

.. ..

I knew that a bath was going to be in order so I could un-pink my youngest. I ran the bath tub and began the fight of getting my youngest into it. He does not like baths. He kicked and screamed and fussed and before I could catch him to get him into the tub my oldest had stripped and entered the bath tub. He does like baths. Holding my pink son up in the air staring blankly at my oldest boy playing in the tub, I began running option through my head. Before I could decide what I was going to do my oldest son looks me dead in the eye and says, “Daddy, please don’t put my brother in the bath tub with me I don’t like being in the bath with another boy.” His request was legitimate. Knowing I couldn’t argue with his logic I noticed is was almost Pink son’s nap time. So I quickly took him down the hall and put him in bed. Amazingly he didn’t fight at all and simply laid down and rolled over.

.. ..

Not looking a gift horse in the mouth I left the pink one in bed and jogged back down to my oldest son. He looked as happy as can be splashing around. Aaaahhh….time for a quick rest I thought. I put my chair in a spot I could see him in the tub and then sat down at my computer to piddle around a bit.

After sitting at my computer for about 2 minutes I suddenly smelled a very familiar yet not unpleasant smell. It was almost surreal… a smell had wafted into my nose and although it was not a bad smell, I knew something was wrong. I immediately focused all my attention on my son. I thought I must have missed something only keeping a partial eye on him, but he was still splish splashing around exactly as he was. I went back to what I was doing on the computer and the smell continued to get stronger. With a nose full of it I finally remembered what the smell was. Pine-sol.

.. ..

I know that my lady and I keep all of our cleaning products locked up…where could that smell be coming from? It was then that it had hit me. Like a thunderbolt I remembered that I had been cleaning the bathroom floor the night before and was using Pine-sol. Did I leave it out? Did I leave it somewhere one of my children could have reached it? Did I leave it near the bath tub? I jumped up and sprinted the 6 steps into the bathroom and before I got to the tub I already knew the answer to all my questions. I had left it out. My child was able to reach it and I had left it near the bath tub.

.. ..

My son had found the Pine-sol bottle and poured what was left into his bath because he liked the way it smelled. I knew the bottle was almost empty from last night, but I quickly jerked him out of the tub and began to interrogate my son to see if he had drank any. His response was priceless, “That would be stupid daddy. I am not stupid.” Well, that makes one of us I thought. Standing in the shower with a phone between my shoulder and head I began washing off my son in the shower while calling the poison control center.

.. ..

I must have felt guilty for leaving the Pine Sol out, because when they answered I quickly said, “I have given my son Pine Sol, what do I do?”.

.. ..

There was a pause. Then the woman on the other end of the phone said, “Why did you give your son Pine Sol?”

.. ..

“I didn’t…I mean he may have drank Pine Sol…is it fatal?” I quickly blurted back.

.. ..

“What is your zip code?” She asked in a calm professional voice. Now I am sure she had a good reason for asking this…however, at the time I was not seeing it.

.. ..

“Unless this shit is more fatal in Arizona than California, who gives a shit what my zip code is. Answer my question lady! Is it fatal!?” I barked back.

.. ..

“No sir. Is your son vomiting?” she again said with the tone of consummate pro.

.. ..

“No…no….he just smells pine fresh” Please don’t ask me why I felt that was important information…but I did.

.. ..

After a few more tense minutes on the phone we worked out that he had probably not ingested any of the Pine sol and I would just need to keep an eye on him for a few hours to make sure. Funny, I thought. I wonder how many parents keeping an eye on their children have had to call poison control. Although I can tell you that I had a MUCH closer eye on him after this incident. (Just in case you are wondering the American Poison Control Center tells you to wash affected area and although Pine Sol is not fatal it does cause severe vomiting when ingested and if your children are vomiting severely they should go to the hospital).

.. ..

Despite my best efforts to clean my son off in the shower I still could not remove the “Intense sent of real pine clean”. Well, he was safe, injury free and pine fresh…I could live with that.

.. ..

After Shrek 2, Pine Fresh and I we woke up the Pink One, who as per usual, told me he was hungry. I went down stairs and began to make them lunch. As an added treat I gave them both a KFC Chicken leg that was leftovers from the other day. The Pink One took his plate and ran upstairs. As I was getting drinks for them both I had inadvertently given the Pink One a 30 second head start which was a huge mistake. When I finally got upstairs I walked into my room to see the Pink One using the KFC chicken leg as a type of marker on my big screen TV. In the short span it had taken me to follow him upstairs he had managed to dump over his plate of food and had written the hieroglyphs of Giza on my TV screen in grease. Needless to say I stopped him immediately. I considered rubbing my eldest son on the TV to try get it clean…but I refrained.

.. ..

While I was cleaning up my eldest son had gone into the dirty wash and found his SCA tunic. He put it on and proudly walked around saying, “Look at my mullet, look at my mullet”. I was so proud of him that I didn’t mind he was rubbing chicken grease all over the tunic. Eh…it had to be washed anyway.

.. ..

The doorbell rand and I went down stairs to answer it. I opened the door to some guy selling fertilizer. I was about to make up some excuse to get rid of him when from behind me I hear, “Daddy, look at my chicken bone!” My son had placed the chicken bone under his tunic at his waist line and propped it against the tunic. This gave the fertilizer salesman the perfect shot of a male child wearing a dress with a hard on. At least I didn’t have to make up an excuse to get rid of him….of course I am sure CPS will be calling soon.

.. ..

After they ate, I was going to give the Pink One a bath but realized I had to get out to my female and relieve her at the shop so she could go to school. I loaded Pine Fresh and the Pink One into the truck and off we went to relieve my Female. Remembering that I would have the boys at the shop until she was done with her finals I decided to get them diner on the way in. We stopped at Mc Donald’s and I got some kids meals with drinks. While still in the drive through I put both the drinks into the car seat cup holders. Pine Fresh asks me to roll down the window so he can say goodbye to the people inside McDonalds. Assuming I am going to see something really cute I roll down the back window. No sooner did I do this then the Pink One pulls his small Sprite out of the cup holder and chucks it back into the drive through window hitting the poor teen monitoring the window. The Pink One roars with joy as I try to figure out what happened. The few seconds I took to try and figure out what had happened was to long. Before I could react Pine Fresh also beams his drink into the poor guy behind the counter. Why this guy did not close the window is beyond me…but I bet you he won’t make that poor call again. So, now it looks like I won’t be going to McDonalds or KFC (Please see my Myspace Blog, “I will not go quietly into the night.”)

.. ..

After a long apology and driving off embarrassed we finally make it to the shop. I take Pine Fresh and the Pink One into see mom.

.. ..

“Why is Legend Pink?” She asks.

.. ..

“Because he wanted to be.” I reply

.. ..

“…and what is that smell? Is that Hero?” she says with a bit of shock in her voice.

.. ..

“I thought you liked pine scent.” I shoot at her.

.. ..

I don’t think I will be watching the kids tomorrow.

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Warlord Jayde
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