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 Things I couldn't do

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Jayde
Warlord
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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 42
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: Things I couldn't do   Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:52 pm

Recently a friend of mine sent me a list of 213 things "skippy" is not longer allowed to do in the Army. I read this list and had a good laugh. Later I again went over this list and remembered how many of these things I had personally done myself.

Specialist "Skippy" Schwarz should get full credit for this list. However, if you go to his homepage he explains that these are things he has done or has witnessed. I am willing to bet that most soldiers have seen or done the majority of these things. It is the culture of our military that allows things of this nature to flurish.

With the above said, here is a portion of the list and a few comments from yours truely:

1. I am not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. - Burning black candles in front of your First Sergeants office to remove evil spirits...also not allowed.
2. I am not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. - Nor am I allowed to take it by force.
3. I am not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. - I do Medieval Recreation on the weekends for fun. Other answers officers don't like are "As your Royal Highness Commands" and "The sin upon your head my liege".
4. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
5. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
6. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
7. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. - Actually it was my wife who did that...when I was trying to get a secret clearance for a promotion.
8. Not allowed to join any militia.
9. Not allowed to form any militia. - I was arrested for attacking MP's who were training in riot gear while I was in my Medieval Armor training for war.
10. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
11. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
12. God may not contradict any of my orders.
13. Must not taunt the French any more. - or taunt German's by asking where the Nazi underground is
14. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
15. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
16. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
18. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
19. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
20. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
21. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
22. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
23. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
24. Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
25. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). - If trying to get out of the morning run, flashbacks of the wars you were in don't work either.
26. Our medic is not “Dr. Feelgood”.
27. Our supply Sgt is not “Sugar Daddy”.
28. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. - My dog tags list my religion as Odinism and I requested all my worldly possessions be burnt on a viking long boat in the event of my death (this included my wife).
29. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
30. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
31. I am not the atheist chaplain.
32. I am not authorized to fire officers.
33. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. - You also can't trade military equipment for alcohol.
34. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
35. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
36. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
37. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range. - Actually you can quote it at the rifle range...its when they take the rifle back that it gets ugly.
38. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
39. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit. - nor can you actually shine your boots with a Hersey bar.
40. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape. - it also does not include: glossy black paint, motion-lotion or mop and glow.
41. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. - It wasn't a poster, it was done on 3X5 cards, a large flow chart and a power point presentation on "How to survive your new LT".
42. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
43. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
44. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
45. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
46. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. - Nor can I use the excuse "she was to heavy for me to move" when being late for a formation.
47. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”. - You can't put it on the outside of your helmet either...however a full platoon of shiny aluminum foil helmets does really make things bright in the morning.
48. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
49. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. - You also can't wear zorro masks, wrestling masks, or "Scream" masks.
50. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
51. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
52. I may not call block my chain of command.
53. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. - even if it is the female approved uniform
54. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
55. May not form any press gangs.
56. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
57. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. - Those shirts are sold in a little store just outside the base anyway!
58. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”. - I only did it once
59. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
60. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
61. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
62. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. -NOTHING inflatable needs to be displayed during a room inspection. Even if the inspection is for HEALTH AND WELLFARE.
63. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
64. Nerve gas is not funny. - I was also forbidden to make CS Gas from smoke grenades and moth balls.....it is sometimes boring while being out in the field.
65. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. - Stars of David, pentagrams and budda statues don't work either.
66. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.” - You should also not lift the mask of your LT when asked what to do next in a chemical envirnment.
67. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
68. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
69. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
70. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. - His social security number does not just have 3 digits in it...he also did not "pull far side security when moses parted the seas"....he also does not know exaclty "how old is dirt?"....he also didn't know Jesus when he Jesus was just a corporal.
71. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination. -Unless you are in Irag...then its called Saudi Gin (look it up if you don't believe me)
72. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
73. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
74. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
75. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. - You should also not "execute" them when on training missions to make sure that "No one has to know what went on here"
76. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
77. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
78. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
79. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
80. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
81. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
82. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
83. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
84. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
85. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
86. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
87. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable. 88. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. - You also cannot climb into the "amnesty box" and tell him you are drunk so he can't punish you.
89. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
90. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
91. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
92. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
93. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
94. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
95. Even if my commander did it.
96. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
97. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
98. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window. - You are also not allowed to keep twinkies by the same window to use in your defense at court.
99. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
100. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
101. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
102. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
103. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”
104. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
105. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”. - or give them a hammer and have them look for weak spots in tank armor, or have them jump up and down on a Bradley Fighting Vehicle to test the shocks, or have them get into full chemical gear and tell them to go change the Captians Neuclear Clock Batteriest, or....well, you get it....
106. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
107. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
108. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
109. I do not get “that time of month”. - even if I am taking midol
110. No, the pants are not optional.
111. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
112. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter. - You may also not Execute a general
113. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
114. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
115. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
116. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
117. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
118. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
119. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
120. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
121. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
122. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”. - or on CHiPs, Dukes of Hazzard or Starsky and Hutch
123. My name is not a killing word.
124. I am not the Emperor of anything. -even if appropriately dressed for the part
125. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
126. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
127. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. - No matter how hard you push them together!
128. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
129. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
130. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
131. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
132. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
133. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
134. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO. - so is "slowly killing the officer corp"
135. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
136. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only
137. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country. - First they were purchased after I was deployed and an Arab helped me with the spelling. I figured it was ok when he agreed to make the shirts.

Some he forgot:

I will not find out where my commander lives on base and convince a mortar company to drop "flares" on his house at 3AM.

I will not send privates to my First Sergeant and have them ask for a PRC - E8 (pronounced Prick E-8. An E-8 is a the military rank for First Sergeant) rather then the Actual PRC-80 which is a radio.

I am not allowed to use my combat lifesaver kit to give myself an I.V. to cure a hangover.

I will not spit sunflower seeds down the barrel of my LT's M203 grenade launcher.

Nor will I make colorful flower arrangements in his helmet while he is wearing it, using the excuse that I am putting camoflage on him.

I will not take flash pictures when nervous new troops are placing detonators in c-4 for the first time.

I will not yell "BANG" loudly at the grenade range.

I will not tie people into their bunks with dental floss or plastic wrap. (5 rolls in case you are wondering)

When told to make sure the officers toilets remain clean, putting clear plastic wrap over them is not the correct method.

I am not allowed to wash my First Sergeants cup in the toilet no matter how good the water pressue is.

I shall not refer to Air Force Security Police as "Rent a Cops".

I will not remove the battalion insignia pin from Air Force Security Police Officers beret and replace them with a classy broach.

I shall not refer to Air Force "aviators" as "Lawn Darts"

I will not burn inscense inside of helicopters to freak out the aircraft crew chief

I cannot use my sleeping LT to tie off trip flares. Nor shall I refer to the manual afterwords and point out the he is a large sedentary object.

K-9 officers and their rottweiler dogs should not be referred to as "Little Black Bitches".

Artillery troops should not be referred to as "Gun Bunnies" or "Mortar Maggets".

Here concludes the Lesson.

FINAL REVIEW: I miss the Army....sigh

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Warlord Jayde
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