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 Ears, Nose, and Throat

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Jayde
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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 42
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: Ears, Nose, and Throat   Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:52 pm

For those of you who actually know me, you may have noticed that over the last month or so I have had scratchy voice....well, actually I make some lounge singers sound like alto choir boys. Recently I went to my doctors and after a round of drugs, he decides to send me to a "specialist".

I arrive at Dr. ICANTFUCKINGSPELLLETALONEPRONOUNCEHISLASTNAME's office. The doctor walks in and says hello in which I response "Rar-ra", which was my attempt at hello. However my voice decided not to cooperate and made me sound like extra in a Jerry Lewis telethon.

The first sign of trouble happened immediately...

The doctor asks me what seems to be the problem. Despite my sparkling introduction apparently Mr. University Educated was not able to deduce that my throat was screwed up. "I am having trouble speaking" I croaked.

"So it's your throat?" he responded.

I stared blankly at him. Praying that it was some kind of joke. After several seconds of uneasy silence "Yes" I responded.

He then immediately checked my ears.....uh hunh....Exactly what I would have done next myself.

Of course, he then followed that up with checking my eyes...Like any good Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.

Finally he checked my throat. He looked down my throat while holding my tongue down with his popsicle stick.

Then, and I am not joking, he told me to bend over and hum the national anthem. YES HUM. Now I have seen porno's that started this way, however, in those cases I would be the woman and I wasn't really happy about that. Again, several seconds of uncomfortable silence. After several, "Excuse me?", "Could you say that again?" and "What?" I finally complied. (He listened to my back in case you were wondering)

He then takes a small version of what looks like the jaws of life and pries my nostril open. (For some weird reason when your nostril are being pried open it seems to effect your mouth. The harder he pried the wider my mouth opened). He then says, "this is gonna taste awful" and he sprays some type of numbing agent up my nose and down my throat. (Why in the fuck are we able to send people to the damn moon but have not yet been able to flavor shitty tasting medicine.)

After a short time the center of my head became numb. Picture if you will, when you go to the dentist and he numbs your gums....Now rather than your gums, picture the entire center of your head...Your nose, your throat and the base of your brain (at least that is what it feels like) all numb. I hacked, coughed and snorted involuntarily and Dr. IAMABOUTTOBESUED says, "Can you feel that".......................NO....I just like to make those noises...It makes me feel manly.

At this point he takes what looks like a small roto rooter drain cleaner and shoves it up my nose and down my throat. My arms and legs flailed about from sheer shock of this large apparatus going up my nose. Doc Savage asks, "do you feel any discomfort".....................NO......I have always wanted the center of my head pipe cleaned!

Apparently this is what he uses to look at my vocal cords. Despite the fact that it appeared to be the size of a McDonald's Straw it didn't really hurt, it was just uncomfortable. The only real sensation I could feel was in the center of my throat, which was not totally numb. Unfortunately for me if felt like a small catapiller sitting in the middle of my throat that was looking around.

After looking around with his plastic catapiller, he rips this thing out of my snout and tells me it was acid from my stomach that had burned my vocal cords and he prescribed me prilosec. He tells me that if I lose some weight that will help.

After having something forced up my nose and down my throat, I felt a bit violated. Then he degrades me with the lose weight comment. Now I don't want to compare what happened to me to the horrific things I have heard women must endure, BUT, for a man it sure as hell was not my best day.

FINAL REVIEW: The cure was worse than the problem.

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