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Jayde
Warlord
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Posts : 107
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 42
Location : Wintermist

PostSubject: Ass kissing   Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:09 pm



As I claw my way up the corporate ladder, it has been made abundantly clear that I have a talent that I never truely realized. This was brought to my attention several days ago when one of my employees overheard a phone conversation in which I was talking to a client. At the end of the call my employee said, "Oh my god, you should have a Masters Degree in ass kissing."

As I pondered his comment, it occured to me that damn...I am pretty good at it. I mean, after all, there is never a shortage of people who want me to kiss their ass. In fact, I would say people are lining up for it! Now, I am not just talking about ordinary people, but some real heavy hitters in my industry. I have kissed the ass of CEO's, COO's, AVP's, and a whole slew of other letters.

So I did my research, and found that there is no degree for Ass Kissing. The closest thing I found was a guy who in 1996 who made a motion for Judge William T. Moore to "Kiss my ass". Now granted this does have some flair, but I researched this more it bothered me because his actual motion was written as "all Americans at large and one corrupt Judge Smith to kiss my got damn ass sorry mother fucker you." and this is just poor grammer. If the grammer would have been better I may have studied it longer. Stilll, I was amazed that no classes are given on this so often used skill. Thus I have compiled a list of things you should know about ass kissing just to help out my fellow workers:

First, the math is sound...you can't argue with numbers.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Numbers never lie.

How to know you are doing it well:

If your boss sends you chapstick as a bonus

If when asked what will make the company run better and you automatically reply, "Cuter asses, truer lips (less botoxics)."

How to know if your doing it poorly:

Your nose only has a hint of light mocha, six shades less than brown, according to our Sherwin-Williams chart

Now, I am sure many of you are wondering my secret...but alas...even I am not sure of how my powers work. I do prefer the one knee approach as it puts the butt directly in fron to front of you. I know that the two knee approach is for the young, because you have to really adjust yourself to get to the right height. Still, the exact details I am afraid I don't know. BUT...if any of you would like to test your technique on me, feel free...it would be a welcome change.




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